I just saw a commercial for New Moon that said it was the most romantic movie of the year. Really? 

I don't even know what to say to that.

Right now, I am full of all kinds of mixed feelings. If I elaborated I'd be here for hours, so I'll just say that.

Cameron and I are doing better. The last few weeks were kind of rough, because my feelings were really mixed: I had just been told that he didn't want to be with me anymore, and yet, we were still together. It took awhile for me to believe that he actually wanted to be with me, but I'm getting better now. There are still some subjects that are touchy, like girls, but I'm working on it.

He went to St. George for work today, and I had to leave at 7:00 in the morning to do finish a presentation that was due today, so I left him at 7:00 and didn't see him till around 9:40 tonight. It was really, really sad and I really missed him (I know it's just a day, but there's a difference between not seeing them because you are busy with other things and not seeing them because they're in a different city). During poetry, me, Dane, and Megan were sitting out in the hall talking. Dane is on ballroom, and it's concert weekend so he's totally sleep deprived and grumpy and such, and he started exactly like Cameron does when he's sleepy. I pointed this out, and Megan agreed with me (she's good friends with him) and all of a sudden I felt this rush of missing/nostalgia/adoration that I haven't felt in a really, really long time. It was surprising, because I always considered Cameron to be such a huge part of my life and in that moment, I realized that he had faded from it for a little while. I spent a lot of time with him, yes, but when I was away from him--in classes or whatever--I didn't bring him up as much, and neither did anybody else. And when I did, it was negative qualities. It makes me really sad, because he is a person that I love so much, and I almost lost him. Not just because we broke up for a few hours, but because I was moving away from him. I had multiple people ask me if we were still dating over the course of the semester, and that upset me, but looking back it's understandable that they would wonder. I spend most of my days at school by myself, or surrounded by other people, because Cameron and my schedules did not intersect in the slightest besides ballet. And I never really talked about him.

I'm really glad that we decided to stay together. I think breaking up--if only for a moment--helped me realize what is actually important in our relationship, and I think it helped him realize exactly what he'd be losing if we ended it. I am still kind of upset that he broke things off when he wasn't really sure, because that caused some damage...but I think it's damage I can get over.

He's sleeping in my bed next to me right now. I wish that I could go join him, but first I have to write a paper :(.

My friggin laptop battery died. I've only had the thing for a year and a half, and we specifically got the bigger, more expensive one so it would have a longer life...and it's died. I can't even take it off a/c power without the computer shutting down. So I now have a lightweight desktop, and replacement batteries cost 200 bucks. Yeah, somehow I don't see that happening. My mom said she'd take care of it, but I don't think there's much sensibility in paying 200 dollars for something that will probably die in a year anyways. Maybe I'll just call her tomorrow and ask her to put that 200 bucks towards a Mac instead. They haven't given me massive headaches, unlike Dell batteries, and Windows, and PCs in general. 

Ugh. I hate computers.

If I fell in love with you would you promise to be true,
And help me understand?
‘Cos I’ve been in love before, and I found that love was more,
Than just holding hands,
If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure from the very start,
That you would love me more than her.
If I trust in you, of please,
Don’t run and hide,
If I love you too, oh please don’t hurt my pride like her.
‘Cos I couldn’t stand the pain,
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain.
So I hope you see,
That I would love to love you...

So I just found out this girl who absolutely DESPISES me (for no reason I'm aware of, I might add) is going to be living in the same apartment building as I am.

This, paired with the fact that my room is tiny and doesn't come with essential pieces of furniture (desk, dresser), is making me thinking about relocating. I know it's a bit drama queen to move out because a girl who doesn't like you is moving in, but I have a reallly bad feeling about it. Like I'd be willingly moving into a den of wolves or something.

Anyways. If anyone knows of cheap, decently sized private rooms close to campus in Cedar city, let me know.

Cameron is in the hospital. His stomach started hurting around 3, he was on his way to the hospital after 4:10. He told me not to come.

It's 5:28 now and I haven't heard anything :( and I can't stop crying. I'm looking up prices on greyhound and delta and I'm considering stealing my car and I just can't deal with this. I feel like I'm a terrible girlfriend because I'm not there. I don't want to think about it but it's all I can think about. Everything around me reminds me of him.

I found myself praying in the car on the way home. I want nothing more than to hear from him and be able to sit next to him when he's sick :( And I can't.